Dating and Baseball..

If I was Alyssa Milano, my life would be a whole bunch easier. First, I'd be a knockout. (Even though Jonathan "ScaryFace" Papelbon has admitted he'd prefer Pamela Anderson.) Second, I'd have a slew of Tony Danza jokes to file in the "Funny-Cause-It's-True" drawer. But mostly, because of this. I've recently decided that if dating was like baseball, my life would be a whole lot easier. And Alyssa Milano dates a lot of ball players. Talk about a fantasy team... (PS, thanks for bringing down carl pavano. Curse of the Babe?!?!)

Anyway, think of the myriad ways in which baseball is better than dating:

...You always know what team the other guy is playing for.
Think about that. No radar required. In giant, color coded letters across his chest, a cute little symbol on his hat, you know just by looking. So smart, when you think about it.

...No one night stands.
Every day, you know who you're playing. And you're guaranteed anywhere from 3 - 19 games with each matchup. Now, having dated more than my fair share of Tampa Bay Devil Ray or Kansas City Royal equivalents, I could certainly see ways in which this strategy backfires. but never again would you have to suffer through the will he call me again garbage.

...Taking one for the team could make you a hero.
Wingmen and wingwomen everywhere, listen up. Has a buddy ever asked you to take one for the team? To sit next to the obnoxious friend who won't stop talking about how cool they are? To dance with the one with no rhythm and wandering hands? Quintessential "Take one for the team" philosophy. But you get plunked with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, and all of a sudden, taking one for the team is kind of a glamorous thing.

...10 men on the field at once!
And they're all willing to play the game. There are no hidden strategies (Unless stealing signs is your thing. We've all done it.), everyone is there for the same reason. None of those guys get dragged along. They hit a slump, and they play right through it. They adjust, they finally change their lucky underwear.

...Ichiro. Dice-K. Hideki Okajima. 1 big bat, 2 big pitchers. I'm so not going into details on this one.

...It's possible to lose, and still have a good game.
In my world, there are certain players I'll always root for, no matter what color they wear. Take Adam Stern, for example. He comes up against the Red Sox, and I'm dying for him to hit it out of the park. I mean, I don't want Baltimore to win, that's just crazy. (I don't even think Baltimore wants Baltimore to win, but that's a different post altogether) But I love to see my favorites have a good game, while their team succumbs to the Mighty Mighty Red Sox.

...Guilt Free Home Runs. 'Nuff Said.

...High socks.
No normal guy looks good in high socks. But you put a baseball player in high socks, and all of a sudden, this girl goes a little weak in the knees. Reed Johnson, Ryan Braun, Jason Varitek, even ancient Mike Timlin. Doesn't matter who (Unless it's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Let's not ruin this post for me.) the high socks always look good. Something about it...

...There's No Crying In Baseball!
Of course, we all know this to be not entirely true. I'm sure at some point in the near future, A-rod (Shoot, I totally just mentioned his name...) will be an official spokesmodel for Kleenex. I mean, he was really upset in the offseason about what happened with him and Jeter. And no one appreciates a good clubhouse fight more than I do (See: Zambrano and Barrett, Lilly and Gibbons, Fielder and Gatorade Cooler.) Baseball is definitely an emotional sport. But in the long run, it's all just water under the bridge.

All in all, if dating was like baseball, I'd be able to analyze statistics, see a player's entire history, their performance under any conditions, and make educated decisions. Is he better against lefties or righties? Home or away? How did he do in the minors? Is he slumping, or swinging a hot bat? I could figure it all out. It would be mathematical, it would be reasonable, and he would be wearing high socks. Why oh why can't life be more like baseball?

Dear Julio...

I'm sorry for all those times I called you Julie.

Love,
Amy

Are you kidding me?

Kansas City? Really?


wtf.

The Baconator

So, apparently, Wendy's has a new offering in the heart attack waiting to happen file. Not the important part of this story. In the commercial for the Baconator, they put male faces on female bodies. and I swear to god, one of them looks just like A-rod. The face, not the body. This cannot be a coincidence. Theo, I know we've had our disagreements in the past (see: Bill Mueller, Trot Nixon). But I implore you...not A-rod. We just don't deserve it.

Mid Season Report

Oh man, it is so freaking good to be a sox fan right now.

Let's consider the year so far.

The starting rotation has been solid. Sure, shaky at times, but you can't win em all, and we certainly win more than most. Dice-K seems to have settled down some. Schill seems to be bouncing back from the injury. And yay for theo and tito for making his fat ass sit for a while. Gabbard did ok. You just wait til my boy Jonny Lester gets his cancer-ass-kicking self back in the starting ro. Time to f some shit up. Beckett has been an everloving beast. That kid throws a nasty 12-6 curve. NASTY. Wakey has been getting moderately better run support, so that's been a bonus too. And as for Taz....the dude is crazy like a fox and mad inconsistent. We know he's just a placeholder, and it's good to see the Sox protecting their long term interests by taking their time with Lester and Schill. I have great confidence in the remainder of the year.

The bullpen has been full of surprises, to say the least. Papelbon has still been strong. Maybe not as strong as last year, but still dependable. And add to that the fact that he has the scariest pitching face in the majors. Okie Dokey...lovin Okajima. Rookie of the year, enough said. As for the rest of them...I have big hopes for manny delcarmen. I'd like to see Taz in relief where he belongs. Snyder has been solid this year. Donnelly and Pineiro are on their way off the DL. Timlin has been a disappointment, but he's getting old, let's face it.

As for the offense, it seems to me like the big bats of the DR boys might be getting hot. Manny's been on a tear. If only Dustin Pedroia could share his slump-busting secrets with JD and Jewl-io. That kid has the second highest average on the team. And thank god for Captain Graybeard, and his sidekick, Kevin BigBeard (Yeah, I know...I'll come up with something better). Not only are they one of the most dependable teams of corner defense, they have been so reliable at the plate. Youk is the man, there's just no disputing that.

Here;s the thing. *knocks on wood** Papelbon hasn't been as unstoppable this year. Schill hasn't been top form, nor has timmay. Papi and Manny haven't been hitting. JD and Lugo have been disappointing. Coco is clearly not cut out to play in Boston. And we still have the best record in baseball. What happens when we start firing on all cylinders? Watch out, MLB. Here come the motherf'n Boston Red Sox. Take note.